Surrender

As usual, I am up in the night.  That's right.

I don't know anybody who tries harder than I do, with less results.  Or, so I've been telling myself lately.  My frustration level has been through the roof.  I'd better not bore you with the details.  Suffice it to say that lately, no, for as long as I can remember, every thing I touch seems to turn to crap.  It seems like I have the anti-Midas touch.

I subscribe to the notion that if you find yourself in a hole the best thing to do is quit digging.  I have have made Herculean efforts to do that.  Still, it seems the hole is digging itself.  It's as if all my previous digging created some sort of inertia that has become self perpetuating.

My pit of bondage keeps growing, exponentially.

Tonight I found myself complaining that my belief in Mosiah 7:33 has become sorely shaken.  The promise of relief from bondage was offered if I would turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart and serve Him will all diligence of mind.  I have accepted that it must come on the Lord's time table and in His own way.  I had hoped that my burdens might be lightened in the interim; but they only seem to get heavier.  So I beat myself up for having something less that full purpose of heart, something less than all diligence of mind.  Having lost my mind, its a wonder I can apply any diligence at all.

I went back and reviewed my service of the past several months.  I also examined my faithfulness and examples of my application of trust.  Both seemed to fall into the Second Mile category.  So why am I still sinking deeper into this pit of bondage and despair?

With no small measure of gnashed teeth and clenched fists, I seethed, "If I could sweat all the sweat, and cry all the tears, and bleed all the blood in the world, it still wouldn't be good enough, would it!"

To which the Spirit quietly replied, "That's right."

Movie Review - Lark Rise To Candleford

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I've watched a lot of television my 61 years, and never have I enjoyed a program so much as BBC's Lark Rise To Candleford.  Adapted from Flora Thompson's trilogy by the same name, (which I am currently reading by the way) the series, in four seasons, depicts rural life in a village and neighboring hamlet of Oxfordshire, England of the late 19th Century.

This program demonstrates the obvious advantage of series television, for the development and history of each character can hardly be so well addressed in any shorter form of video entertainment.  Each character is rich in purpose, meaning, individuality and charm, and I loved them, every one.

The stories were heart warming, inspirational, credible and informative.  It was indeed a different time and place.  One which we would all do well to experience and appreciate.  Even in the late 1800's change was causing difficult problems and while different than the troublesome changes we are experiencing, much might be gained if we were to consider them from Candleford's distant perspective.

We all have wonderful roots in the working classes of our past.  It has done my heart good to gain a greater appreciation for what it is they did, that we might so easily ride upon their shoulders.  But, lest you think this a dreary proposition, don't be dissuaded, the charm, good cheer, courage and wisdom of these workers of the land are truly inspirational and often downright hilarious.

The casting was superb.  I cannot imagine a single character better cast by someone else.  The stories, festivals, culture and times literally came alive in every episode.

We got them through Netflix and felt it was a bargain.  We are hoping the kids might get together and give us the series to own, perhaps for Christmas.  We expect to watch it again and again!

Five enthusiastic Stars

The Interloper - Chapter One

There he is again, creeping through my subconscious.  Shadowy, filmy, lying opposite me in my bed.  Why is it he instead of Sweetie?  I reach, but he is gone.  I get up to find her at the computer, weary, but wide awake.  I wander back to bed to find it empty.  I crawl in and slip away from awareness.  Later, turning, I sense warmth beside me.  Startled, I strain to see in the ambient light, and relax; it is she, not he.  I close my eyes and it seems I see better than before.  There in the semi-darkness I see his shadow slip down the hall, or do I?.  Up, I search the house.  Nothing is amiss.  I have to pee and waking, I climb out of bed with a feeling of dread.  I can't go back to sleep so I read in hopes drowsiness will return before dawn.

I fall asleep in the recliner, covered, cozy.  Later, my back stiff, I move to my bed and find him lying beside her.  I reach for the bat I keep behind the bedroom door but turning back he is gone.  It has happened so many times before, I shake it off and climb beneath the covers and warm my cold feet near her warm ones.  Arising, I find the dishes done and suppose Sweetie has done them in the night.  


The church bells are ringing, it is seven o'clock, better get up.  I am surprised to find myself in the recliner, though I remember coming down to read.  My heart is sick and my muscles ache.  I walk to the kitchen.  Somehow, I am surprised the dishes need washing.  Something's not right?  Of course they're not done, we left them that way when we went to bed.  I wish I could go back to bed.

                                                 _____


I've had this recurring dream.  Not quite a nightmare, but very nearly.  For years, I only remembered having had it previously, while dreaming it again.  I would awaken disturbed and out of sorts, but with no conscious recollection of what had strummed the discordant string I felt still vibrating in my soul.  I only know it reoccurred over time because when I finally awoke amid the dream, I knew what was going to transpire next; and it did.

Over time I have learned to observe my dreams from a vantage point near consciousness, but shy of wakefulness.  I don't know what to call this state.  It is rather like watching a movie.  I can observe the dream and be an outside observer of the action and still remain in the darkened theater of sleep.  I don't always get this privilege, but it happens often in my Interloper dream.

Sometimes I can even observe things in the wakeful world without waking myself.  In the case of the Interloper, this ability only enhances the agony and wonder of it.

                                                _____


I've named the Interloper.  I call him Echo.  Echo, because it's as if I never really see him, just the echo of him.  I know echo refers to sound, but in my dream he is an echo of light.  Its as though he's vanished just before I see him, but the vision is still somehow bouncing off the walls.  Sometimes it is not the walls; but the faces of loved ones.  It's as if there is a flash of delight in their eyes, that suddenly disappears at seeing me.  I can't tell if I really saw it, or just hoped I did.  Somehow, I sense a flicker of shock in them, like sucking a straw expecting soda and getting water.  Shock, and disappointment.  In my dream, it seems Echo precedes me everywhere I go.  And disappointment follows.

Book Review - The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life by Glenn Beck and Keith Ablow, MD

I have not been a huge Glenn Beck fan.  I don't watch much broadcast TV and so I haven't watched his show ever.  I've seen a few clips on YouTube and liked them.  The consequence is that I'd never heard of this book.

A couple of weeks ago Sweetie's cousin, Duane came for a visit.  He was carrying the book and shared a metaphor from it with me.  Something about following bread crumbs.  The bread crumbs notion really struck me and seemed to be an answer to my most current prayers and gave me insight into my most current frustrations.

Essentially, the book is about change.  Beck tells the story of his recovery from alcoholism and consequently, his meteoric rise to fame, fortune and remarkably settled happiness.  He tells it in a most insightful and candid way.  Interspersed with that story lie chapters by Dr. Ablow, who gives wonderful insight into what has and is transpiring in Beck's recovery story.

Glenn Beck and I both have experienced recovery through the 12 Step Model.  The book is full of clear hints of AA's influence.  What I have recently struggled with is that, for me, the 12 Steps have been helpful in accomplishing what I don't want to be, I just couldn't get past that to what I do want to be, beyond sober.

For that, for my quest toward a healthy, happy, productive future, The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life has hit the nail right on the head!  Years of addiction have kept me from my potential in real and painful ways.  I have not fully discovered who I am and what I am meant to accomplish in this life.  When I express this concern, my friends and family tend to play it down with lists of my accomplishments, trying to cheer me by reminding me of this or that good in my past.  While their intentions are great and appreciated, they haven't been much help.  I am 61 years old, and still often complain that I haven't got a clue as to what I want to be when I grow up.  I have always lived my life by default; by dealing as best I could with the things that happened to me.  Lehi says I was meant to act and not to be acted upon.  This book is teaching me how to act!

Years and years of inappropriately dealt with baggage have caused me to give up on so many hopes and dreams that I have quit hoping and dreaming.  All of my efforts were too intensely focused on doing battle with my addictive behavior that there was little energy for anything else.  As addictive behaviors are only symptoms of deeper causes and conditions, I was expending all my energies addressing the wrong problems. The 12 Steps were magnificent at helping me discover, deal with and surrender the real problems, the baggage, if you will.  But, where do I go from here?  How do I get back my possibilities?  How, at this age, do I move forward toward my full potential?  How to I learn again to hope?  To dream?  These questions are all answered, so powerfully, in this wonderful book!

In AA it is often said, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."  I was ready.  So ready.  And sure enough, along came Duane, Glenn Beck and Dr. Ablow, right on time, with just the right answers.  Not just them either.  On the day I walked into the book store to find this gem I noticed a framed quotation hanging on the wall.  It was from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and said, "God is anxiously waiting to answer your prayers and to fulfill your dreams, but He can't if you don't pray and He can't if you don't dream."  I bought it and am looking at it now, hanging on the wall of my study.  I can hardly express what joy I have in having dreams again.

I have spent my life trying to appear to be authentic.  It was all a lie.  I did what I thought people would like me to do.  I said, what I thought they wanted to hear.  It was all a lie.  This great little book is helping me past that, helping me find my own truth.  Helping me to discover and live a congruent and authentic life.  It is telling me how to find that truth, not between it's covers, but deep within my own heart and soul.

Five Stars