Perfectionism

Too often, in my quest for perfection, I lose sight of reality.  I lose sight of the very real fact that mortality is neither designed, nor meant for perfection.  Life is most certainly a learning, growing process.  One that has improvement as it's objective, but, for me, at least, the failure to measure up to some real or imagined standard has been quite incapacitating.  My quest for perfection, quite often, overwhelms and then shuts me down.  How can that be what God had in mind?

As you can see, I'm exploring my own weakness here.  Not pointing fingers.

I think I understand the problem - in my head, but making that knowledge part of my ongoing behavior is a real struggle.

I understand that:

.... if men come unto me (God) I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
(Ether 12:27)

God intended for us to be imperfect beings with weakness.  Mortality with its imperfection is a gift.  It is God who does the strengthening.

I understand that as Moroni implies in that scripture, growing strong and overcoming that weakness is intended as a principal part of the process.

Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.
(3 Nephi 12:48)

I even think I get that too often I put the cart before the horse in that, acknowledging the gap between my current ability and my lofty goal of perfection; I strive to strengthen myself rather than seeking to humble myself as Moroni admonished.  He knew something that I tend overlook; the fact that long before I can be perfect in and of myself, I must be perfected in Christ.  Perfection can be achieved in no other way.

Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.
(Moroni 10:32, 33)

Clearly I must, through humility and through Grace, be first perfected in Christ, as provided by the Infinite Atonement, before I can ever hope for the power to actually live perfectly.  Perfection is all about Jesus, and the ability to live perfectly comes only in and through Him; if I choose to allow that most wonderful process to take place.  Seeking to perfect myself in any other way is utterly doomed to failure.

So, I suppose that what incapacitates me in my quest for perfection is my lack of humility.  I suspect, however, that there is another factor.  I think I have an unhealthy fear of making mistakes.  Partially born of impatience, but mostly born of pride; I don't want to appear anything less than perfect.  I want to get it right - right now!

When I was a boy my sisters took piano lessons.  I would flee the house when they practiced.  I couldn't bear to hear the same old songs and sour notes over and over again.  Later, when I had daughters of my own, I loved hearing them practice.  The sour notes didn't bother me for I knew they were a necessary part of the growth process.  No one becomes a great pianist without making sour notes.  And even when they master a piece and no longer make mistakes, the instructor advances them to a more difficult piece and the sour notes begin again.  I think the Savior feels the same way about my life.  Sure I'm going to make mistakes, they are a requirement of growth.  My tendency, though, is to project my former reaction onto Him rather than my latter.  Clearly that doesn't make sense.

Recently, I watched a video which took my piano lessons metaphor to a whole new level.  In it Brother Brad Wilcox pointed out the power of the Atonement in the process.  He explained that a mother pays for the piano lessons.  A debt that cannot really be repaid.  In doing so she enables her child to learn and grow at the keyboard.  The child can only take advantage of the gift if she practices and actually takes the lessons.  Likewise, Jesus paid for our opportunity to learn and grow and eventually become perfect.  We cannot repay Him, we can only do our best to take full advantage of this great Gift.

So, here we are to my problem.  I am so intent on being perfect, so impatient with the process and so pridefully embarrassed by my "sour notes" that I tend to abandon the key board of life and do nothing.  Certainly, that is not what God had in mind.  It becomes very apparent now, why pride is such an enormous problem.  Clearly the difference between perfection and perfectionism is pride.  For me the greatest promise, then, is:

28 And inasmuch as they were humble they might be made strong, and blessed from on high, and receive knowledge from time to time.  (Doctrine and Covenants 1:28)

Wow!  Here is the great advantage that comes of journaling (examining a problem on paper) - a new discovery!

In this context humility means joyfully sitting at the keyboard of life and playing my heart out - mistakes and all!  Joyfully taking full advantage of the price Jesus paid that I might do so.  Quite often even playing a duet with Him!

Robert Fulghum once reported a visit to a Kindergarten Class in which everyone thought of himself as a singer, dancer, athlete, artist and scholar.  He then visited a College Class in which no one felt inclined to make such claims.  Was pride the difference?  Had fear of humiliation kept them from humility?  Is this what is meant by the admonition to become as a little child?

Leonard Cohen wrote a song whose chorus inspires me:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

I want to ring my bells!  I hope you'll overlook my mistakes and I want to do the same for you.  There isn't time to shut down and tremble for fear of imperfection or we'll just be shutting out the light.  And, we'll hardly progress toward that perfect state we seek.

Book Re-Review - Still Life by Louise Penny

I learn better from novels than from treatises of any sort.  More is said, in fewer words in a novel.  As I identify with the characters and their problems and choices I find out where my own weaknesses and strengths lie.  I discover my humanity in a much more poignant way.  While this is true of most fiction, it is especially true when reading Louise Penny.  As this is the case and as I have a lot to learn about myself and my motives; I've decided to re-read Louise's Chief Inspector Gamache series.

Still Life is about how we tend to stagnate and then calcify in our habits and circumstances.  About how we get ourselves into traps and how we have difficulty escaping them.  It is about the lies we tell ourselves in order to continue in our self-deception.  And it is about how utterly emancipating honesty can be in our relationship with ourselves and others.

I didn't discover Louise's talent for teaching me of my own vulnerabilities until the last few of her series.  I wondered if the gift was embedded in the earlier ones as well and was actually surprised to revisit her first and discover and then plumb it's profound depths.

I remember the first time I read this I had a sense that the author knew me.  It was comforting to sit with her work.  As I read further into her work, I felt more and more that, "Here is a writer who gets me!"  It wasn't until I read this one again that I realized that her flawed characters were a better reflection of my own character, than her protagonists were.  I like the mix, for I dearly long to be like the healthy ones and see, in her examination of all their hearts that, I can move from one state to the other.

I have a shelf full of self-help books, which I think I'll toss.  Louise Penny has become my own personal therapist.  And while that my sound miserable (sort of like going to the Dentist) it is not!  It is a joyous, enlightening, thrilling ride!  Reading this book has been like going over the spillway after drifting stagnantly on the calm lake, way too long.  How she does this in a cozy mystery is beyond me, but that too is a talent I long to imitate.  There is nothing so powerful as a story.  What a story this is!

Free To Choose

Yesterday, someone noted the continuing problem of losing youth to inactivity in the Church.  He observed age 14 to be the critical point.  I have noticed this too.  14 is not an arbitrary age any more than 8 is arbitrary when considering the age of accountability.

In my work with troubled youth the age of 14 commonly stands out as the age of rebellion.  While there are younger exceptions, there are few older.  Oh, there are older rebels, but the vast majority rebelled at 14.  I believe the younger exceptions stem from accentuated abuse most of the time.  Occasionally, parents ask me how they can avoid these early teen pit-falls to which I always respond, "Your job is to teach them how to make healthy, correct, even righteous choices, and, to prepare them to have full reign to make those choices by the time they reach 14."  Then I advise them to prepare themselves to actually give full reign to their children at that time.  That's the hardest part.  Few accept my counsel.  Few have prepared their youth, to their own satisfaction, for the challenge of such personal responsibility.

Commonly, they ask, "What if I don't give them their freedom?"  To which I reply, "Then they'll just take it anyway."  14 is the age at which God intended His sons and daughters to begin to choose the direction of their own personal lives.  Parental efforts to restrict those choices will quite naturally be met with rebellion.

Another common question is, "What if I haven't adequately prepared them?  Is it too late?"  My answer is always, "No!"  It is never too late.  One of the things we all need to realize is that there are no perfect parents.  As a result no child is 100%, fully prepared at age 14.  We all know that, and you'll, given the chance, notice that the kids do too!  Remember 14 is not the age to be kicking kids out of the house.  They still need a safety net and you, Mom and Dad, are it.  If your children feel free to make their own choices, you will find them frequently seeking advice and assurance about the choices they are making.  If they feel no such freedom, you will be the last persons they will seek for counsel.

Let me give you the classic example:  At age 14, young Joseph Smith had a choice to make, "Which church should I join?"  How many of us would be willing to offer such a choice to one of our own 14 year olds?  It is clear that Joseph felt free to make such a choice.  Did he feel adequate for the task?  Clearly he did not.  But he had been well schooled in how to make such choices and given the freedom, he sought the Lord for guidance.  14 year olds are serious about things.  They are earnest about life and their futures.  They don't want to blow it.  If, like young Joseph, they have been taught that God cares about them and will joyfully entertain and respond to such questions, they are unlikely to make big decisions without first consulting with their Heavenly Father.

You will also notice that after, Joseph received his glorious answer from the Heavens, he still, willingly sought the counsel of his parents to affirm that he was on track.  I don't think Joseph Smith was all that unusual as 14 year olds go.  At least he doesn't appear to be as unusual as his parents were.

I realize these are scary times and our natural instinct is to shelter and nurture.  Too, often though, over-responding to that instinct results in smothering, rather than sheltering.  Remember we, and our children, are called to be in the world, but not of it.  The world is intended to give us experience, which must always be associated with agency, or the good work of the Lord in sending us here will be wasted.

Wild animals tend to flee rather than fight, but when cornered, and fleeing is no longer an option, fight they will.  14 year olds are no different.  If they find themselves in a situation without other options, fight they will. Watch carefully, that you do not press them into such a corner.  Watch carefully, for times when they may foolishly paint themselves into such corners.  Be sure to give them a way to escape.

Psalms 124:7

7 Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers: the snare is broken, and we are

 escaped

If Jesus is willing to break our snares, perhaps we should be prepared to do the same for our youth who occasionally become ensnared.  Even Joseph Smith fouled up a time or two as the learned and grew.

As these principles apply to parents, so they also apply to Church Leaders and Teachers, who occasionally apply Satan's manipulative arts and also reap the rebellion of our fledgling children.  Remember that agency is theirs as a God given possession, the stealing of which is evil and will most certainly satisfy Satan's objective for both you and the child.

As a litmus test you might consider that the number one symptom of the manipulator is frustration and the primary symptom of the manipulatee is rebellion.  If you are experiencing frustration or rebellion in your relationship with your 14 year old, please step back a little and let him out his corner, where he can make a more healthy choice.

I believe we can do this and that the result will be far fewer youth lost to forbidden paths than we are experiencing now.

Book Review - The Snow Angel by Glenn Beck

What a heart warming story.  I liked this one even better than The Christmas Sweater.  A story of abuse, fear, devotion, understanding, loyalty, forgiveness and love, The Snow Angel was a great book with which to start the new year.  Thank you John and Jen for and excellent Christmas present.

For me, the jury is still out regarding Beck's politics, but his fiction is so deep, heart-felt and enlightening that I have fully embraced it. One of the things that most greatly intrigued me about this book is the narrative from Mitch's point of view.  Mitch has Alzheimer's and is at a level of deep confusion.  While we can only imagine what goes on in such a misfiring brain, I think Beck has captured it in his deep, empathic first person narrative. Having worked closely with an Alzheimer's patient over the past few years, I really appreciated the perspective.

He also has an enlightening perspective of abuse in families.  Dysfunction is common in today's world, as is it's denial.  Also common though, are angels who love, nurture and rescue.  What a tribute to them this book is.  They are all around each of us.  How reluctant we are to let them offer the healing and redemption they bring.

Five Stars!