Even More Thoughts on Home Teaching

The new Handbook 2 gives the following directive to Home Teachers:

Home teaching is one way Heavenly Father blesses His children. Home teachers “visit the house of each member, exhorting them to pray vocally and in secret and attend to all family duties” (D&C 20:51). They are assigned to families and individuals to “watch over … and be with and strengthen them” (D&C 20:53). They “warn, expound, exhort, and teach, and invite all to come unto Christ” (D&C 20:59).

Then the handbook goes on to offer ways in which this might be done:

Where possible, home teachers visit members in their homes at least monthly. Home teachers may also find other meaningful ways to watch over and strengthen the families they are assigned. For example, they may render service to the families or contact family members by mail or telephone. 

Ideally, a face to face visit is best.  And under that ideal situation phone and correspondence would only enhance the existing in home visits.  This language, though, seems to open the way for letters, email, texting, phoning, internet chatting, Skype, Facebook etc. as viable means of accomplishing the task of being with and watching over the families we are assigned.

Lets face it there are plenty of circumstances that are outside the norm.  I know a Bishop who has pretty much turned his Priests Quorum around by texting them.  The key is communication and, being in the 21st Century as we are, it is time to look to means of communication we had not considered before.  If we haven't the resources to visit every home, we certainly do to send a letter to every home.  If we can't stop in, we might at least make a serious phone call.

What I am getting at here is that we need to be thinking outside the traditional box if we are to fully perform our duty as Home Teachers.  I'd like to see us getting 100% and if that means sending a personalized newsletter in the absence of a warm body, we ought to do at least that.

Addtionally, the new handbook suggests a few stop gap measures:

With approval from the bishop, Melchizedek Priesthood leaders and Relief Society leaders may temporarily assign only home teachers or only visiting teachers to certain families. In some cases, leaders may assign home teachers to visit a family one month and assign visiting teachers to visit Relief Society members in that family the next month.

This is a great, though temporary, solution.  Especially, when coupled with this:

In some locations, visiting every home each month may not be possible for a time because of insufficient numbers of active priesthood holders or other challenges. In these circumstances, leaders give priority to visiting new members, less-active members who are most likely to respond to invitations to return to Church activity, and members with serious needs.

And this:

Quorum and group leaders assign the most effective home teachers to members who need them most. When assigning home teachers, leaders give highest priority to new members, less-active members who may be the most receptive, and others who have the greatest need for home teachers, such as single parents, widows, and widowers. It is often helpful to assign a youth leader to a family where a young man or young woman is experiencing special challenges. Home teachers should be assigned to converts before the converts are baptized. 

I think with the guidelines given and the latitude allowed, we can effectively reach everyone in our Ward despite a deficit in the number of active Home Teachers available.  We are just going to have to abandon the old conventions and start adopting the new.

A few other "out of the box" examples come to mind:

• We have a brother who is home bound.  At a rather advanced age, his body is giving up on him, but his mind and spirit are still marvelously bright.  I would be willing to go to his home to be Home Taught.  That would free up my Home Teacher to go somewhere else.  I suppose there are other valiant families in our Ward who would be willing to make the same accommodation.  Who says he has to come to me to be an effective Home Teacher?
• We have three widows who live in adjacent apartments.  Would they be willing to be visited together in one or other of their units freeing up a pair of Home Teachers to go to two other families?  They have Family Home Evening together once a week anyway.
• Occasionally, we have husband and wife companionships.  What if they were assigned another husband and wife companionship and could thus home and visiting teach one another in one visit.  That frees up each couple to take one more family.
• So you have a family that is hard to catch at home.  How about taking 20 minutes after church to sit down with them in a classroom on Sunday before you all head home.
• Suppose you are a business man who travels a lot.  You might be assigned families with the internet and could visit them on Skype from your hotel room.  How fun to be Home Taught from Hong Kong or London or Gusher.  I realize this solution might make it hard to go with your companion.  Still, with the Bishop's approval, perhaps a companion would not be called for as there are no safety concerns at such a distance.

The possibilities are almost endless.

Our Ward has a pretty long list of those who refuse to receive Home Teachers.  I personally love to take on those challenges and have yet to fail to get in on a regular basis.  I have had to be a bit less traditional in my approach to these families, but I have never failed to be able to meet with them on a monthly basis.  As High Priests Group Leader, I don't expect this of all of my Home Teachers, but I do have some who would get out of their comfort zone and make the attempt.  

I have one fellow right now who I plan on asking out to coffee in the morning.  Of course I will have hot cocoa or something, but I feel certain that he'd love to get out of the house and chum with a buddy at the coffee shop.  He will be more comfortable on neutral ground, so will I.  He won't feel judged for his Word of Wisdom problem, because I'm the one who suggested it.  We can begin building a relationship of trust.  Once that is established my new friend and the Lord can take it from there.  I'll be handily in a position to help as needed.  Hopefully, when the weather warms we can move from the coffee shop to the fishing hole, but who knows, we might form a group and Bob and John and Larry, who are also less active might join us to be Home Taught on a regular basis.  Fred, the first guy is a Teacher in the Aaronic Priesthood.  He can be my Home Teaching companion.

When I was a Stake Missionary we began teaching a woman whose husband was a less-active member.  Soon they were both coming to Church.  In no time he accepted a call to be a Home Teacher.  He was devoted to the call.  One day after we'd taught a discussion to his wife he mentioned that it was getting close to the end of the month and that his companion was out of town.  I volunteered to go with him.  We visited one of his families who hadn't been to church in years.  He invited the brother to come to Priesthood Meeting telling him what a good time he was having in the Elders Quorum.  The brother responded, saying, "I'd feel uncomfortable coming back to church.  You see, I chew tobacco."  His new Home Teacher replied,  "So do I," which left him totally without excuse.  He came to church.

How's that for a good example.  We don't have to be an example of one who pretends to be perfect.  What's wrong with being an example of flawed mortal beings attempting, through the Atonement of Christ, to improve.  Then those we hope to help can better see how that is done.

More Thoughts on Home Teaching

I don't think the Home Teacher's job is to be a catalyst for change.  Still, I have been taught quite often in various ways to try to tip the balance in peoples lives in order to get them back to church.  While I have seen that method seem to work and while I've seen a number of Home Teachers take credit for such; I strongly suspect that the facts are that something else stimulated the change, the people were sufficiently humble, and the Home Teachers were simply fortunate to be in the right place at the right time.

God uses life as change's catalyst.  I've seen it over and over, especially in 12 Step settings.  So often has a person turned up a meetings because it was mandated by the court as part of a rehabilitation process.  So often that person made all the meetings and said all the right things and then stopped coming as soon as they were no longer under the judge's jurisdiction.  We're cool with that.  We in recovery understand that if they are not ready yet, God will use life to get them ready.  We have learned to be patient and let God's process work.  It is easy to tell when it has; when that person who so blithely left our company comes crawling back with a new found humility and a deeper awareness of need.  You might ask then, what do we do at the meetings.  We simply share our experience, strength and hope with those who come.  We don't preach.  We don't scold.  We don't even give advice.  Who are we to tell others how to live their lives.  In sharing our own experience with addiction and the process of recovery we are offering hope and testimony which are really the only things they need.  They already know they need to make changes.  They already know what they're doing wrong.  They already feel guilty and full of sorrow.  They don't need any of that from us.  What they need is the hope and belief and tools they can use to do something about it.  And they need to know that someone understands and cares and might help.  Also, they need to spend time in places where they can feel and comfortably enjoy the Spirit.  They need a place safe from condemnation, recrimination, accusation and manipulation.

I bring this up because most of those we Home Teach who are not active in the Church are dealing with some sort of addiction.  They are in a trap they have no idea how to climb out of.

Now, when we go into someone's home are we creating that kind of an environment for them?  Are we building?  Or are we wrecking?  I'm confident that those who reject Home Teachers have had plenty of condemnation, recrimination, accusation and manipulation.  It has come from parents, spouses, friends, law enforcement, the pulpit and yes, even Home Teachers.  Is it any wonder they want no more of it.

Now, what can we do to correct this?  The answer lies in what the Church Missionary program calls BRT, Building Relationships of Trust.  These people in our charge are tender, fearful, banged up and wary.  It may take a good deal of unconditional love to get them to let down their guard.  It will take:  long-suffering, gentleness, meekness and love unfeigned.  It will take kindness and  pure knowledge and a complete lack of hypocrisy and guile.  You will notice that I left off persuasion.  I wanted to discuss that one a bit further.  At first, at least we are not there to persuade them to come to Church.  Lets start with the basics.  Lets persuade them that we can be trusted.  Trusted to love them for who they are, right where they are.  In this kind of persuasion actions speak far louder than words.  The second we put conditions upon that love, were done.

I'll finish with a story.  I lived for in a small town the years I was in 7th and 8th Grades.  I had a friend there, we'll call him Jim.  Years later when I was nearing 40 my occupation took me back to that town.  One of the people I was dealing with bore the same last name as Jim.  I inquired after him.  It turned out the lady was Jim's wife.  We'll call her Sue.  Immediately, Sue hastened to explain that Jim was no longer the reprobate he once was.  I explained that he was a fine fellow when I knew him.  She then proceeded to tell me his story.  After they married, Jim became an alcoholic.  He couldn't keep a job.  He was in an out of jail.  He'd lost his drivers license to a string of DUIs.  He'd lived a tough life.

I asked, "So he's doing better now?"

"Yes, much better!" was her reply.  She went on to tell me about it.  We had two wonderful Home Teachers. They came to our home on a regular basis.  Jim would never stay in the room when they came by the house.  (He obviously had his guard up.)  Our Home Teachers were always there for us.  They never made Jim feel shunned or disapproved of.  When they saw him on the street they would always wave and smile.  Occasionally, they would catch him in the yard and just visit.  Then one day they came to the house when Sue was out.  Jim apparently forgot to peek out the window before answering the door.  Seeing who it was Jim told them that Sue wasn't home and that they might want to come back later.  They pointed out that they were his Home Teachers too and would love to visit with him.  There was a long awkward moment before Jim finally asked them to come in and sit down.

The Home Teachers went in, treated Jim with respect.  Deliberately avoided conversation that might make Jim uncomfortable.  They never asked if he'd found a job yet, for instance.  They never mentioned that he'd recently been in jail.  They never condemned him for the pain he'd put his wife through.  They never even mentioned the church.  What they did do, was express an interest in Jim and those things that were of interest to him.  Jim is an excellent wood carver and they got him showing and teaching about his craft.  After twenty minutes, they got up, shook his hand, thanked him for sharing his gift with them and excused themselves.  When the Home Teachers got to their car, Jim came running out and invited them back in.  They returned to the house.  Seated back on the couch one of the brethren asked Jim what he wanted.  Jim said that he didn't really know.  He went on, a bit embarrassed, to say that he'd just felt so good when they were there and that when they left he'd felt lousy again.  He didn't want to feel lousy right then, so he ran out and asked them to come back so he could feel that good feeling some more.  You can imagine what happened next.

Sue told me with tears in her eyes how thankful she was for good Home Teachers who did nothing more than love her husband just the way he was.  They didn't bring Jim to the point where he wanted to change.  They were just patient enough to wait, love, serve and be there on the day that time had come.

Home Teaching

As I have just become High Priests Group Leader I am quite involved in encouraging good and frequent Home Teaching.  A good deal of that is happening in our Ward, but there are a number of families and individuals who are not being regularly contacted by Home Teachers.  Over the next few days I'm going to be examining Home Teaching in an attempt to understand better what our charge is and to examine ways in which we can each serve better in our Home Teaching assignments.

I once attended what I teasingly called The Stepford Ward in Orem.  They claimed that there was only one non-member family within their boundaries.  I think every single member family was active.  They had so many missionary farewells and baby blessings that they averaged 110% attendance at Sacrament Meeting.  Every calling was filled and their Home Teaching numbers were through the roof!  This is not because of some miraculous Enoch-like leader.  It was just a matter of neighborhood choice of a number of affluent, previously active families, in an area already concentrated with Latter-day Saints.  I'm sure the Ward has it's own unique set of problems, but activity isn't one of them.

I, on the other hand, live in an inner city Ward with a number of low rent apartments, and a district of older more run down "starter" homes.  We have a large membership turn over, few youth and great difficulty maintaining the kind of consistency the other Ward might enjoy.  Our dear Elder's Quorum has activated a number of Prospective Elders who subsequently moved to a more prosperous part of town, making room for more less active Prospective Elders to take their places.  The number of potential Home Teachers far out weighs the number of active Home Teachers.  This creates a big burden on those who are willing and able to Home Teach.  The district with a bit nicer homes is mostly occupied by old folks.  Our Primary has 16 kids in it.  Currently there are three years between the newest Deacon and the next boy to enter that Quorum.

I am not complaining.  Ours is a most wonderful Ward.  I have loved living here more than any Ward I have enjoyed, with one distant, long ago exception.  I will probably mention the Imperial Beach Ward later.
Suffice it to say.  I am more than content with our Ward.  It is far from perfect.  But it is abundantly meeting my needs and is filled with wonderful people.

Still, we have some pretty pathetic Home Teaching numbers and will be working hard to overcome those deficiencies over the next months and perhaps years.  I am not the only one who is earnest about such a difference taking place.

As I have sat in council regarding Home Teaching, I get a sense that most of my brethren have a pretty restricted view of what Home Teaching is and is not.  Recently, the Stake Presidency, in an attempt to expand our view of Home Teaching, made some allowances as to what is reportable as completed Home Teaching.  One brother in the Ward protested saying that the new definition did not correspond with Section 20 of The Doctrine and Covenants.  He was concerned that if we lower our standards just so we can show better numbers we are cheating.  I agree that numbers must never be the objective and that if we dumb down the quality of our Home Teaching just so the numbers look better, we are doing ourselves and those we serve a great disservice.  As a matter of fact, such a move, under those conditions, I would consider sinful.

If, on the other hand, we are seriously attempting to broaden the definition of Home Teaching so that we can actually reach more people and more completely fulfill our stewardship, I am all for it.  The brother who protested the change had two major concerns.  One very valid one is that if we overload our Home Teachers, they are likely to shut down and wind up accomplishing less, instead of more.  The other of course was stated thus:  "If you lower the standard of Home Teaching to a chat over the back fence, Home Teaching in general will decline.  A chat over the back fence is not Home Teaching!"

I understand where he was coming from and I admire his desire to hold to a lofty standard.  Still I have to ask myself,  "What is Home Teaching?"  Is it confined to a living room visit complete with a prayer, lesson and conversation about the weather?  Or, can it be more than that?

For me the answer lies in the Book of Alma.  When Ammon began his missionary service to King Lamoni he did some quite unmissionary-like things.  If he were to report to his Mission President that he'd spent the past week herding sheep, how would his leader have responded.  What do you think?  Was he doing missionary work, or wasn't he?  I say he most certainly was.  That honest, well intentioned, unconditional service was indeed missionary service and resulted in the conversion of thousands.

What if we, like Ammon did a few unusual things in our service as Home Teachers.  Couldn't we call that Home Teaching as well?  My next door neighbor is a member of the church.  His wife is a former member.  They attend another denomination.  When they first moved in they approached us with a very cold and prickly warning that they wanted nothing to do with the Church, Missionaries or Home Teachers.  I respect that.  I am somewhat aware of their history.  They have been, in my opinion, mistreated by members of the church.  They have had manipulative Home Teachers who tried to put them on a guilt trip for they way they were living their lives.  Their experience was repulsive to them and disappointing to me.  I have no choice but to respect their rejection of what I have to offer them.  But - they don't reject my warning that the sewer main is backing up.  They don't complain when I sneak over of an early morning and shovel their walks.  They don't mind if my grandkids invite their grand daughter over to play in my back yard and they frequently ask about the neighbor who has Alzheimer's that I help with, who lives across the street.

We don't get to know how long Ammon herded sheep before he was given the opportunity to defend the flocks and impress the King.  It might have been just a few days, but what if it was months or years.  Could it be that it was not a matter of time?  Could it be that Ammon had no ulterior motive?  That he would, as he said, be willing to serve the King the remainder of his days.  Could it be that he was serving Lamoni just as an expression of love, with no strings attached.  Could it be that he would have continued to serve regardless of the out come?  Could it be that he had no further agenda than to be of service?  I think it could.

I am aware that most of us tackle such a project and have been trained to begin with the end in mind.  We suppose that if we are nice and give service for a while that we will eventually bear the fruit in some preconceived way.  And, if we don't, we tend to become discouraged and soon move on to greener or more golden pastures.  I believe that Ammon had no such agenda.  He let God be in charge of the agenda.  His call was to be of service forever if need be.  I believe that if we go into a situation with an agenda like the eventual activation of a less active family then all of our actions seem manipulative and are much more likely to be rejected.  If on the other hand our service is rendered with no agenda other than kindness and love and a sincere interest in the happiness and well being of the individuals we serve, that too is easy for them to perceive.

Let God have the agenda.  He is interested in preparing ALL of his children to return home to dwell with him. He will add the turning factor, just as He did for Ammon.  He will cause something tailor made to happen in their lives, perhaps a crisis of some sort or other.  If they have a genuine friend in their Home Teacher, I promise it is he to whom they will turn for relief, comfort and solace.  It is then that he will be able to share the gospel and it's blessings with them.  My experience has been that it may take a number of such instances before significant change begins to take place.  Two of the keys to exercising the Priesthood as outlined in Section 121 of The Doctrine and Covenants is patience and long suffering.  Are we in it for the long haul?

I have a very dear friend who once was excommunicated from the Church.  Sitting in the court that withdrew his membership was a young, newly called High Councilman.  The situation touched the young man's heart and he resolved that day to make weekly contact with my friend for the balance of his life.  I imagine deep in his heart he hoped my friend would one day return to the fold, but his commitment went way beyond that.  That young High Council member kept his commitment.  My friend had a saddle shop across town.  Every week the young man stepped into that shop.  Week after week he was spurned and berated by my friend.  Every overture was rejected.  Eventually, my friend moved out of state.  The young man persisted.  Each week he called my friend and greeted him with a smile and proffered friendship.  There was never any needling or pressure to return to the fold, only friendship and love.  Once a month he actually drove out of state for a face to face visit.  Still my friend pushed him away.  He often swore at him, berated him, called him names and still the young man carried on.  Years went by under these circumstances.  Love always offered, always rejected.  At fourteen years my friend began to soften.  He finally realized this fellow was never going to give up.  He finally accepted that there were no conditions places upon his persistence, reliability and love.  My friend finally accepted that there was something, someone in his life he could count on.  He began to look forward to those visits, to respond to them.  When a crisis came, as they always do, my friend knew who he could count on and turned to the not quite so young man and sought his help, his advice, and his assurance.  At fifteen years the long since former High Councilman baptized my friend.  And they remain close to this day.

Could we Home Teach like that?  Should we?  I think we can and we must.

When the Church sends humanitarian supplies to Pakistan are there strings attached?  Do we say, "If you are to receive this food, medicine and supplies, you must let our missionaries preach in your land?"  No we do not.  We, when we serve, will do well to follow that example.  Let us be going about doing good, because we love, because we should.  Not because we hope we can make some changes which seem to them to be only to our own advantage.  Let us accept the fact that we can change no one but ourselves.  That all we can really do is prepare the soil so that when they come to the moment of change, they will find a place where they can grow and be nurtured, because that place has already been prepared for them.

For me, the days of quotas and numerical objectives are gone.  If we labor in the vineyard with love with the interest of our charges our only desire.  If we love unconditionally, persistently.  I promise God will give the increase.  He is the only one who can.

Setting the Tone

I love this photo from the Glendora First Ward because it depticts a group of High Priests in the act of serving.

Yesterday was my first opportunity to teach a lesson in my High Priests Quorum.  It was intimidating.  There are two former Bishops in there as well as one former Stake President, among others.

I wanted to set the tone for the time I shall be serving them as their Group Leader.  I have very little experience in a Melchizedek Priesthood Quorum, having spent most of my adult life serving with the youth in Aaronic Priesthood.  I prayed at great length concerning what I should teach on that initial occasion.  I decided to discuss Section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants beginning with verse 33:

33How long can rolling waters remain impure? What power shall stay the heavens? As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints.

I tried to help them understand that God would pour down knowledge upon their heads regarding their Stewardships.  They kept leading the conversation elsewhere.  I wonder if they are uncomfortable with the notion of personal revelation.  I wanted them to understand that God would willingly direct them in their Home Teaching and other service opportunities.  I hope the notion eventually sank in because I don't want to spend my time as High Priests Group Leader telling them what to do. These are fine men fully capable of getting their own direction from Heaven.  Verse 33 is dear to me because God has poured down knowledge in abundance upon my head.  Were it not so, I could not be sober today.  I want to create a culture in my Quorum in which we stand shoulder to shoulder in the service of the Lord.  One in which they are not always looking to their leaders for direction.

34Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?

35Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—

36That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

Key to our success as a Quorum is the way in which we go about performing our labors.  I think the reason most people reject having Home Teachers in their homes is a distinct resistance to manipulation.  We have set out to satisfy goals, fulfill assignments and carry out the work of the Lord and we have commonly looked upon our charges as obstacles rather than opportunities.  We have marched into their homes and called them to repentance and left them with the impression that we think them of lower stature than ourselves.  To the extent that we have done this we have not handled the Priesthood on principles of righteousness, but have more closely followed the manipulative path of Satan.

37That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

Now it was time for me to make a confession to my brethren.  They are already aware that I am a recovering addict.  I explained that the last time I had a Melchizedek Priesthood assignment (I was Stake Mission President) I came away with a bitter taste in my mouth.  I had set out to be the best Stake Mission President in the Church.  My numbers were exceptional and I received a good deal of praise for my accomplishments.  I also alienated many of the Stake Missionaries as well as the Stake President in the process.  I perceived them all to be obstacles in the accomplishment of my objectives.  From the much more humble perspective of an addict who realizes his utter dependence upon God for everything; I see that I was completely wrong.  During those years in the Stake Mission I had:  undertaken to cover my sins, I had sought to gratify my pride and vain ambitions, I had sought to exercise control and dominion by compulsion upon the souls of the missionaries in my charge as well as the people we taught and also the Stake President I was supposed to be serving.  I told my brethren that I didn't ever want to go to that dark place again and that I hoped they would correct me, if I were to revert to my former and wicked ways.

I then personally read these verses:

38Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God. 

39We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.

40Hence many are called, but few are chosen 

I had been left to kick against the pricks and to persecute the saints.  I told anyone who would listen about the offences people had committed to hinder my progress.  I had fought against God and been left to my own sinful devices.  I felt the Spirit in the room as by Quorum mates considered what I was trying to tell them.

It was such a blessing to go from there to explain what I hoped for us in our future as we serve side by side.

41No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

43Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

44That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

I promised the High Priests that I would lead in such a manner and plead with them to fulfill their callings with those principles and characteristics foremost in their hearts and minds.  We need to enter the homes of those we serve with no other object than to bless, lift, serve and inspire.  These are the characteristics Ammon Mosiahsson exhibited when he went to serve King Lamoni with the distinct exception of "without guile."  So, he wasn't perfect, neither are we.  But we can better approach such a standard if we will emulate such great prophets in our effort to do our duty.

We High Priests can do this.  We can serve in love, rather than compulsion and we can accomplish the will of the Lord if we invite Him to join us in our service.  He will give us strength for the task.  He will speak peace to our souls.  He will give us the words we must speak.  And if we:

45Let (our) bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish (our) thoughts unceasingly; then shall (our) confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon (our) soul(s) as the dews from heaven.

46The Holy Ghost shall be (our) constant  companion, and (our) scepter an unchanging scepter of  righteousness and truth; and (our) dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto(us) forever and ever.

The key to all of this can be found in the word LET.  Read it again in verse 35.  Brother Wilcox once related a story of finding himself looking in the opposing mirrors in a sealing room in the temple.  He was standing.  He found him self bobbing back and forth in order to get a better view, when he sudden realized that he could see Eternity a lot better if he could just get out of his own way.  That is how we let these things happen for us; by getting out our own way.  By refraining from thinking of ourselves and our own convenience and glory and by spending our efforts thinking about the needs and fears, and hopes, and dreams, and desires of those we are called to serve.

Priorities

Looking back on the past year, I marvel at the magic of it all!  What great blessings have come; what great miracles have occurred.  It all seemed so impossible and yet, one day at a time it unfolded in the most marvelous fashion.  I do not deserve such blessings, but I sure do enjoy them.  I would be terribly remiss if I were not to acknowledge them.  Too numerous to list; I'll not record them now.  I've tried to do that as I went along.

As I mentioned, I've tried to live my life one day at a time.  Oh, the blessed gift of a day!  Every morning the sun rises for me, I am presented with a day full of opportunity and potential.  Have I used them all to the fullest?  Of course not.  Have I done the best I could?  Pretty close.  Have I accomplished everything I had hoped?  Not nearly.  Does that discourage me?  Not any more.

I think that is the greatest lesson I've learned this year.  The discovery that there are hundreds of desires I have that I'll have to sacrifice in order to enjoy the most important things, has been huge for me.  Choosing the most important things has made all the difference in this past year.  I suspect that my life will always be replete with opportunities in such abundance that I cannot possibly experience or enjoy them all.  I have long held that for me the biggest decisions are not between right and wrong so much as between better and best.

This past few months have brought great challenges in that regard as well as great revelations.  I currently have a lot on my plate.  I facilitate two 12 Step groups at the Detention Center and one for alumni of that facility.  Those tie up my Monday and Tuesday evenings.  I am High Priests Group Leader in my Ward.  We meet Wednesday evenings and, of course, on Sunday.  I have a calling to clean the Temple every Wednesday night from 10 to 12.  I go Home Teaching every Thursday evening with a very dear, physically handicapped, friend and companion.  Friday night is the 12 Step meeting that keeps me on the sober side of life.  Additionally, I have a calling to coordinate the advancement process of each potential Eagle Scout in my Stake; taking them from Eagle project approval, to their Board of Review.  Each of these opportunities is a great blessing to me.  A blessing I cherish.

Now, when you couple all of those opportunities with other important family, career, neighborhood, community and fraternal stewardships you begin to see that my life is full, busy and rewarding.  There was a time when all of this would have been completely overwhelming.  Interestingly, it is becoming less and less so.  That fact is fascinating to me and caused me to stop a moment and consider it here.

I am a people pleaser.  I love to make folks happy.  The consequence of that has been very damaging in my life.  In a world full of manipulators, I found myself marching to the beat of a cacophony of drums.  That noisome effort very nearly destroyed me.  Of all the blessings that have come from working the 12 Steps created by Alcoholics Anonymous and adopted by the LDS Addiction Recovery Program; perhaps the greatest is this:  In turning my life over to the care and keeping of God, I can allow Him to set my priorities.

Each morning, first thing, I spend an hour with God.  I study the scriptures, write in my journal and spend time on my knees.  Additionally, I then immediately follow that with an hour walk.  That is a great deal of time in a busy schedule like mine; but it is essential time.  During that time I try to let God set my priorities for the day.  Most days it is easy.  Some days, I really have to struggle to discover His will.  I don't think the struggle is ever with Him; but rather with myself.  The struggle is whether or not I am willing to do His will.

Now, there are a number of distractions from that focus.  Most of those come in the form of conflicting wills.  There are a number of people in my life who would gladly set my priorities for me.  Having their own agendas they are wont to influence mine to their own advantage.  These people are manipulators.  Some of their objectives are benign and innocuous and others are down right malignant.  The malignant ones are quite easy to dismiss, the others sometimes require a good deal of prayer.

Having been highly manipulated most of my life; and having caused my self great harm by allowing myself to be manipulated; and discovering that the lion's share of my recovery is contingent upon appropriate management of my manipulators, I have had to really focus on letting God manage my priorities.  Let me give you an example:

I have a supervisor in my calling as High Priests Group Leader.  He is a man I greatly admire.  He is very nearly the finest teacher I have ever encountered.  One of the great desires of my heart is to emulate his teaching power and skill.  This man also has a very imposing presence and so I consider him with a good deal of awe.  As he is a hero of mine, it is the most natural thing in the world to try to impress him.

As part of the training he has given me, I was informed of the need to provide him with a monthly report on a few facets of the performance of my High Priest's group.  I failed to submit that form in a timely manner and he called to remind me that it was late.  I scrambled for an excuse which resulted in a lie.  I have not confessed my prevarication to him yet, but I must.  That of course, will add to my discomfort, but if I am to continue on the road to recovery, there is no other option for me.  It is not enough to confess my dishonesty though.  For the process of confessing to be effective, I also need to understand my motivation for lying and to discover the best alternative to the wrong choice I made.

First of all, I lied in order to keep myself in my supervisor's good graces, despite my noncompliance with his wishes.  That is the most common motivation for lying is it not?  It certainly is mine.  Having grown up in a highly manipulative environment, I learned quickly to fight fire with fire.  Lying too, is manipulation you see.  Having learned that dishonest management tool from my youth, it has become a habit - a bad one.  The only way I'll ever overcome that tendency is to confess it each time I do it.  I hope eventually, that will make it so that dishonesty is not my automatic response to every sticky situation.

Here's how I've resolved to deal with this particular sticky wicket; or what I should have said, and soon will have to say:

I'm sorry Brother So-And-So, I was dishonest in my response to your query about the report.  In seeking an excuse for my tardiness I lied to you.  I am ashamed of myself, apologize, and hope you can forgive me.   To make things right, I need to be honest about my failure to produce your report.  The truth is, your report just didn't make it far enough up my priority list.  I suspect this will dismay you but that is the fact.  I have a lot on my plate and so far there are too many, more important, things queued up in front of your report.  I expect you will direct me to give it more priority, but you don't get to set my priorities for me, that is something I must do myself, under the direction of my Father in Heaven.  Every day there are dozens of things I would like to do that don't make it on my list for that day.  So far your report has been one of them.

Now, Brother So-And-So, the lack of priority I have assigned to your report has not been just an arbitrary decision.  I have carefully considered each item on my priority list.  I consider your report to be of low priority because I have judged it to be of little value to me and to my mission.  Obviously, you consider it to be of value to your mission, but I am called to magnify my own calling, not yours.

Now, I have considered the mandate to "return and report." For the short term, that alone is adequate reason to diminish the import of your report.  As I have yet to go, I am clearly, unable to return.  For the long term, I am not persuaded that the report is of any constructive value.  In fact my analysis shows it to be a manipulative tool, which by its very nature I must resist for the sake of my continued sobriety.  I suspect this will offend you, so let me explain.

I can think of three possible reasons you would expect this task in addition to the regular quarterly report I will provide as outlined in the handbook.  One might be that you are an individual who likes to be in control and who desires to micro-manage my stewardship.  A second possibility is that you want me to take the time to analyze my own performance every month hoping that seeing my short comings on paper, I'll feel guilty enough to try harder next month.  Or, thirdly, you are just too impatient to wait three months between reports.  In each case, I consider the report to serve your needs and not my own or those of the group I lead, which therefore makes the report, by definition, manipulative.

Now, that being said, a clear part of my therapy is to handle manipulation appropriately.  That is to say that I must condemn the practice but not the practitioner.  I bear you no malice in your effort to manipulate me.  In point of fact, I invite you to persuade me that you are not; though you need to know that such persuasion may require a good deal of patience, long suffering and unfeigned love supported by a distinct lack of guile.

I also hold myself responsible to do the right thing, regardless of whether or not someone is using manipulation to get me to do it.  In this particular case I do not consider reports to be the wrong thing by any means.  I just don't consider yours to be productive because if focuses on what we have not done, instead of what we have.  It appears that the motivation then is to shame us into doing better next time.  Shame is a major condition of addiction.  The sting of shame makes a great lash, but no one wants to be very close to the wielder. Shame is of the evil one.  The Savior is not in the condemnation business, but rather the invitation business.  I perceive no tone of "Come (out of shame and) Follow Me" in this report.  Therefore, I have yet to be persuaded that this report is important enough to supersede a number of things God seems to consider to be more important.

Elder Maxwell once analyzed different styles of Leadership and offered a few paragraphs on manipulative leadership.  He was able to point out a few advantages to that approach, but to my mind the disadvantages he cited far out weighed the advantages.  I will not be leading my group with manipulation.  I will not be giving orders and compelling compliance.  To my mind, manipulative leadership is not leadership at all, it is merely management.  I have a strong aversion to what is commonly called MBO, management by objective.  In every case I have examined MBO is highly manipulative because objectives - goals, are imposed upon subordinates in this model.  I will be setting my own goals, thank you.  I will be assisting the members of my group to set their own as well.  I will be asking for sacrifice and inviting my brethren to make and keep commitments, but those commitments will not be imposed upon them.  When I conduct interviews with them I will be focusing on them, their needs, their desires and hope to facilitate their hopes and dreams, not my own.  I will not be expecting them to magnify my calling.  I will be teaching them correct principles and I will allow them to govern themselves.  These are fine men.  Men of honor and integrity.  They have every intention of building the Kingdom.  My role is to assist them in accomplishing their task, not to brow beat them into compliance with my own wishes, or my own objectives, or yours.  If I am truly an instrument in the Lord's hands they will hear is voice in my invitation to come follow me.  Hearing that voice, I am confident they will respond.  The sheep need a shepherd, not a sheep herder.  The sheep you've entrusted me with have already proven they will follow.  If I am driving them from behind, how can they follow?  Who can they follow?  If they require a leader, let me lead.

The fact that one who supervises me expects a report such as yours implies that he has set objectives for me, rather than allowing me, in concert with my Heavenly Father to establish my own.  Well did Lehi say that men were meant to act and not be acted upon.  Please rest assured that I intend to act.  I will hold myself accountable.  I will continually consult with God and seek His favor.  I am utterly dependent upon Him for the very breath I breathe.  I am utterly unable to accomplish the great task before me without His grace and good pleasure.  I will do His will to the best of my ability.  I invite you to teach me correct principles and I expect you to let me govern myself.  Please do not be offended if my perception of God's will does not include your little report this month.  Next month?  Well, we shall see.