Book Review - Travel Writing

I have seldom read a book whose first pages captivated me as much as this did. Peter Ferry describes himself in his High School Classroom telling a story to his students. Four times in the course of two pages of story he points out to the kids that he is making the story up as he goes along. Even knowing that, the kids are so intrigued and involved in the tale that they clamor to know what happens next. "....and that is why stories are so powerful," he teaches them - and me.

I love a good story. Travel Writing is a number of them. In and out of the stories Perry describes the life, troubles, obsessions, self recriminations, confusions of the writer. He tells his own story along with those he is making up. In so doing he discovers that he is making up his own story too and like his students, he can barely wait to discover what happens next.

I found the book to be a bit too crass for my personal taste, but I carried on, in this case, because I identified so completely with the protagonist. Our stories were completely dissimilar, but I too have been, lately, full of confusion, self recrimination, obsession and troubles. I found it cathartic to observe how he dealt with a life spinning off course on some inexplicable, seemingly ridiculous tangent. I related to the seeming inevitability of surprise in our lives. I've long held that life is what happens to you while you're making other plans. Peter Ferry helped me see that sometimes our real hopes, our real dreams, our real selves just cannot be restrained from emerging, no matter how hard we try to hide in the comfort of the "normal" compliant, acceptable lives we've created for ourselves.

Ferry is teaching his students to write. He admonishes them to write what they know. From his own experience he tells of a critique he received from a mentor, regarding his own writing. "I like what you're doing. I really do. I think you are sincere, and I think you are talented. You haven't much to say, but you say it very well." I related, as well, to this. A while back I wondered how Stefan Merrill Block could have written such a deep and well crafted novel as The Story of Forgetting at such a young age. Clearly the answer lies in writing about what he knew. Ferry knew a lot about writing and he new a great deal about uncertainty, doubt, and confusion. In his first novel Peter Ferry seems to have discovered that he had something to say, not so much in what he knew, but in what knew he didn't know.

Maybe we're making it up as we go, but our stories and their characters, like literature, tend to take on a life of their own and always lead us to unexpected ends.

Any Advice?

Here's the thing..... I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a quandary the past couple of weeks. I've begun to wonder if I'm courageous or just stupid. I'm in need of some good counsel and I've decided to seek it here (and elsewhere if I can find it.)

I wish I could explain it succinctly but the dilemma has its subtleties and nuances that I feel compelled to detail.

I'm in pretty serious need of a source of income. I've been actively looking for over two months now. Perhaps, not as actively as I should. My brother is Stake Employment Specialist in his Stake and the other day I heard him say (not to me) that the Church's policy on the matter is that if you're unemployed you should be spending eight hours a day looking for a job. Finding employment thus, becomes your job. He makes a very good point. So does the church. I would think this especially true if I were drawing assistance from the Church to support my family. The policy seems to be cut and dried and, if I were to take it at face value, I have been extremely lax in my duty to concentrate all of my attention to the task of getting employed.

Now, it seems to me that such a policy implies a few things that are unsettling to me. It implies that any job is better than no job. At least any honest, honorable employment, trumps no employment. Ordinarily, at least in the case of one drawing assistance from the Church or the Government, I would wholeheartedly concur. In my current situation I'm not so sure; let me explain why.

I have had a good, decent, exciting and promising job offer in recent weeks that I felt strongly impressed I should not accept. I didn't. I still feel good about my decision. Had my brother been helping me find a job, I expect he, or someone else in his role, might have been pretty aggravated with me for turning down such an opportunity. Perhaps, I could have persuaded them that I was going by the Spirit, which ought to trump Church policy; or should it. There's the rub.

I've had the feeling that God has something in store for me. I even have the notion that it will be meaningful and, spiritually as well as financially, rewarding. I have no notion what it might be. I have hoped it would lie in a realm that might use my talents and predispositions to make a difference in the world. I have even been willing to accept less money than I might otherwise make so it might be so. I'm at a time in life and to some degree, in a financial position to allow that. I have earnestly pursued such opportunities, as I have found, that might fit in that framework. So far, I have not been the best qualified or for other inexplicable reasons have not been selected for such positions.

My last job was a mixed bag. I enjoyed the people I worked for and those I worked with. In fact in that regard it was the best group of people I ever had the pleasure of working with. But, I hated my job, in that employment, with a passion I didn't think myself capable of. I even hated that I was successful at it. I was a salesman. I have a strong aversion to manipulation and as I participated in sales training, it seemed to me that manipulation with the core and fundamental sum and substance of sales. I refused to do it and yet I sold, or rather, I helped people buy. There was more to hate though. There was too much time when there were no customers and it was hard to stay busy doing "make work" activities. Especially when I was encouraged to do a lot of sales training in the down time. In prayer, during the year I was in sales, I begged God to help me get out of there and repeatedly came away convinced that I was right where He wanted me. I never fully understood why, but I stayed. I stayed until the firm went out of business. Because of the poor economy, I never made much more than enough to make ends meet.

The economy is still bad; restricting my prospects. I've had an interview that looks promising. It is for a part-time job that doesn't pay very well. I could manage with two such part-time jobs but I wonder if I'll find two that are compatible. I thought I might but the other has already hired someone else. This job, should it be offered to me, also requires I work six days a week which will severely restrict what I can do on the weekends and such. Part of my quandary is whether it is fair to the employer to accept the job and then abruptly quit when something better comes along. It costs money to train any new employee and an unplanned interruption will also greatly inconvenience them. Does my obligation to become employed supersede my future lack of loyalty? I would enjoy the job, but is it fair to accept it when I'm sure I'll need to move on as soon as something better surfaces.

Here's what I know:

• God is predisposed in my favor, He wants to bless me and help me prosper.
• His blessings come on His timetable not mine.
• I can be patient.
• I can trust Him.
• He has never let me down before. He has also never made me wait before.
• I'd rather prosper than just get by.
• I can accept His will in all things. I've proven that to Him and to myself.

Here's what I don't know:

• What God has in mind for me.
• If I should be doing more to facilitate finding a job. Am I too patient in waiting upon Him?
  
• Why He led me away from the one job I was offered and wanted.
• Does He really even care what I do to provide for my family?
• Is there any justification for hoping for something I might enjoy?
• Am I reaching beyond the mark in thinking I might be of significant service at work as well as in church or my personal life?
• Am I just settling for mediocrity if I don't hold out for "what God has in store for me?"
• Am I being irresponsible and unrealistic for not grabbing what's available?
• Did God have something in mind for me, but exercising their agency, did some potential employer choose other than God's course of action?

I feel no sense of entitlement to any of the information I'd like to know - but don't. Faith is all about stepping into the darkness. I just wonder if there's a time at which one could cross from faith to foolishness. And I wonder if I'm wise enough to make the distinction if I did.

Anyway, if any of you have any light to shed on the subject, post a comment and tell me frankly, what you think! Maybe I should even take a poll - Faith or Foolishness. If you've followed my blog lately, you'll know that I'll keep you posted on what transpires.

Movie Review - Evelyn

Set in Ireland this wonderful movie will warm the cockles of your very heart.

Abandoned by his wife and left with three children Desmond Doyle (Pierce Brosnan) has his children taken from him. He fights a desperate and heroic battle to get them back.

It is a true story of love, desperation and triumph that will linger in my heart for a life time. The film is filled with the charm and desperation of a great people in a great land. Not since I read Angela's Ashes has the heart song of Ireland stirred so deeply within me.

Though I've proven Scottish and Manx ancestry the story and culture and music of the Emerald Isle resonates so deeply in my soul that I cannot doubt there is Irish blood flowing there as well.

Be sure to put this one on your list of movies to enjoy!

Settling For Less, Much Less

Last night at our LDS ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) Meeting, there were 12 in attendance besides the missionaries. It is so gratifying. The Spirit attended in abundance. All were edified.

As our attention moved around the circle and each person shared his experience, faith and hope, I couldn't help but observe that some, while relatively new to the program were making amazing progress. Over the years there have been others who despite coming to meetings for months or years made little if any progress and continually struggled with their compulsions. Why is this?

I think I could hear the answer in their words. Quite often, dead in the water, old timers know all the words to say. They are big on giving advice, quoting the Big Book and citing examples, they know the methodology cold. They understand the technology of recovery thoroughly, but they are stuck. Why is this?

I think it comes down to humility. In fact I think the bottom line of recovery is humility. I don't mean the dejection of failure heaped upon failure. Nor do I mean the humiliation of being found out. When I say humility, I mean the real and understood acknowledgment of one's utter and entire dependence upon God. We have good people, some in recovery even, who've never crossed that bridge. It is apparent in their words, in the counsel they give to others.

There is a method to the 12 Steps that is useful, even critical, to helping us find humility. Too often though, the method becomes the end rather than the means leaving the addict short of the goal. To me, the goal is not recovery, the goal is humility and the resulting companionship with God. Ether 12:27 is a favorite of most in ARP, but I don't see weakness actually becoming strength all that often. Why is this?

Perhaps its because in our short sightedness too many of us see abstinence and sobriety as the goal. While a worthy objective, it falls utterly short of what Moroni was talking about in that glorious scripture. God gives us weakness to draw us to Him (see verse 28). It is not God's objective to merely make us sober, His desire is to help us become like Him. In order to do that we must completely "turn our will and our life" over to Him. Yet it appears that to most of us Step 3 is just the means to a sober end, when in all reality, (see also Step 11) it is the end.

It appears to me that the difference in the progress I see in our little group boils down to the goal each individual sets. If the goal is sobriety, most won't reach it and even if they do, the struggle will continue. On the other hand, if the goal is humility, success is more likely and more rapid. Turning our lives over to God can be seen as a tool for obtaining sobriety, but too many take back control of all or portions of their lives upon successful abstinence and never experience the joy and freedom intended for them by complete surrender.

Someone said last night that one of our most prolific and superlative sponsors, who's been sponsoring for well over ten years, has only seen one of those she's sponsored make it all the way to and through the 12th Step. Most don't even make it through step six. Why is this?

I think it is because most people have set their sights way too low. They are shooting for abstinence when they ought to be shooting for recovery. They are shooting for sobriety when the could be shooting for the constant companionship of God. They are settling for so much less than what is offered them. Why is this?

It is because they are still holding back and that is what's holding them back.