Sucking Too Hard On My Lollipop!

I've been pretty low lately. I couldn't put my finger on it. As I pondered things on this Sabbath Day, having already been to church and having listened to Les' inspiring lesson, my thoughts began to collect in some sort of coherent form.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I still haven't put things back together since the flood that destroyed our basement. I tackled the repair on my own because we wanted to move the stairwell. Interruption, followed by set back, over shadowed by life has practically incapacitated me. When I want to do what I'm inclined to do, the unfinished basement haunts me. When I tackle the basement, more important things get neglected. The usual result is that, overwhelmed, discouraged, confused, I do nothing. I have a hard time setting priorities. Too often, I choose the wrong thing to do out of some sense of demand. I spend too much time concerned about what I assume others consider to be my priority, instead of doing what my heart directs. The consequence of this is that I'm unhappy, unsettled and stressed.

I shared my dismay with Sweetie, who listened empathetically, without judgment or duress. Thanks Sweetie for that. I told her that I didn't want to have this hanging over my head for what appears to be forever; but that I couldn't see a way out from under the problem.

It was time to take Kate to her Singles Ward. On the way she had me listen to a couple of her favorite songs. They were nice. After dropping her off a third song came up on her CD; Sucking Too Hard On Your Lollipop by Mika. It's a lively, fun, enthusiastic tune and I just plain enjoyed listening to it. I couldn't understand the words. When it was finished, I listened again, and again, and again. I began to pick up the lyrics.

I went home and moped some more and watched a little TV. Then it was time to go to 12 Steps at the Detention Center. I listened to the song a couple more times on the way. I skipped up to the door, to the beat of the song and rang the buzzer. Dorothy unlocked the door and I went on in bopping down the hall to the control booth to sign in. Amused, Dorothy asked me about the spring in my step, so I sang the chorus to her and explained that I loved one of the lines, as it applied so well to some of the love struck girls who've been incarcerated there. Something about how Mama says to "live your life 'til love is found or love's gonna get you down." Suddenly, Dot began to tear up. When she collected herself, she thanked me saying, "That's just what I needed to hear. It not only applies to love, it applies to life. I've been sucking too hard on my lollipop!"

Nobody wanted to come to 12 Steps today so I turned right back around and headed home. I bounced into the house singing "sucking too hard on your lollipop" and Sweetie exclaimed, "What's happened to you?!"

"I've had a paradigm shift!" I told her. And I had. Over the course of a couple of hours this afternoon and especially, with the help of Dorothy, I discovered that I have been suckin' too hard on my lollipop. I've been trying to force my life, just like someone who's trying to force love. I need to just go on and live my life or life is going to let me down. Its so characteristic of addictive behavior to be trapped in a vortex of "shoulds", "ought tos." In my insecurity due to the choices I've made I am overly concerned about looking good, about appearing normal and in control.

Once again, the process of my recovery has revealed an undiscovered facet of the nature of my condition, my mortality. The more I take control of my life the less control I have over it. Once again, I have to admit I have a problem over which I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable. Time to work the steps again! Just like my addiction, this problem is too big for me, I can't lift it alone. But, also like my addiction, God can free me from the bondage I've got myself into, but I've got to quit trying to rescue myself and give the problem over to He who can.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a paradigm shift changes everything; my mood, my clarity, my purpose, my faith. Talk about God's tender mercies. Suddenly, I know what I'm about and the direction I need to go. Finally, I can give myself permission to go there. At last I can enjoy my lollipop and quit sucking so destructively hard.

Thank you, Les, Sweetie, Katie, Mika, Dorothy, Darwin, Dr. Bob, Bill W., John, Bonnie, Kim, Heavenly Father, you are all so helpful and kind.

Book Review - The Hunger Games

My sweet daughter has begged me for weeks to read this book. She had told me the premise, and quite frankly, the concept repulsed me. I didn't want to think about it, let alone experience it, even vicariously.

The premise is that, annually, in the land of Panem, the Hunger Games are held. Each of 12 Districts contributes two 12 to 18 year old, lottery-chosen children, a boy and a girl, to enter an arena and fight to the death. The winner is the one left standing.

I had read The Lottery by Shirley Jackson, in my youth and found it so unsettling I didn't get over the experience for years. I could see no useful purpose in subjecting myself to a story so similar, yet in so many ways, much worse.

The Lottery was about grim resignation and oppression. The inventors of the Hunger Games have the same intention, but Suzanne Collin's book about them is not. It is about courage, integrity and triumph!

The triumph in our lives is never about the outcome. Bad things happen to good people. The triumph lies in our response to what happens to us. Will we do the right thing regardless of the outcome? Will we remain loyal, honest, true - regardless of what might happen? If, while reading this remarkable story, you are not asking yourself what you'd do if facing these obstacles and challenges, you are wasting a marvelous opportunity to understand your own character, to develop and strengthen your own integrity.

I read this masterpiece through the night. It just wasn't possible to put it down. I discovered, just now that the sequel is presently in the house. I'd better wait to read that one until I a few night's sleep under my belt.

I recommend it highly! If you liked Ender's Game, you'll love The Hunger Games. Collins has given Card a serious run for his money. Ender Wiggins is a favorite character of mine, but Katniss Everdeen could certainly teach him a thing or two.

Book Review - Travel Writing

I have seldom read a book whose first pages captivated me as much as this did. Peter Ferry describes himself in his High School Classroom telling a story to his students. Four times in the course of two pages of story he points out to the kids that he is making the story up as he goes along. Even knowing that, the kids are so intrigued and involved in the tale that they clamor to know what happens next. "....and that is why stories are so powerful," he teaches them - and me.

I love a good story. Travel Writing is a number of them. In and out of the stories Perry describes the life, troubles, obsessions, self recriminations, confusions of the writer. He tells his own story along with those he is making up. In so doing he discovers that he is making up his own story too and like his students, he can barely wait to discover what happens next.

I found the book to be a bit too crass for my personal taste, but I carried on, in this case, because I identified so completely with the protagonist. Our stories were completely dissimilar, but I too have been, lately, full of confusion, self recrimination, obsession and troubles. I found it cathartic to observe how he dealt with a life spinning off course on some inexplicable, seemingly ridiculous tangent. I related to the seeming inevitability of surprise in our lives. I've long held that life is what happens to you while you're making other plans. Peter Ferry helped me see that sometimes our real hopes, our real dreams, our real selves just cannot be restrained from emerging, no matter how hard we try to hide in the comfort of the "normal" compliant, acceptable lives we've created for ourselves.

Ferry is teaching his students to write. He admonishes them to write what they know. From his own experience he tells of a critique he received from a mentor, regarding his own writing. "I like what you're doing. I really do. I think you are sincere, and I think you are talented. You haven't much to say, but you say it very well." I related, as well, to this. A while back I wondered how Stefan Merrill Block could have written such a deep and well crafted novel as The Story of Forgetting at such a young age. Clearly the answer lies in writing about what he knew. Ferry knew a lot about writing and he new a great deal about uncertainty, doubt, and confusion. In his first novel Peter Ferry seems to have discovered that he had something to say, not so much in what he knew, but in what knew he didn't know.

Maybe we're making it up as we go, but our stories and their characters, like literature, tend to take on a life of their own and always lead us to unexpected ends.

Any Advice?

Here's the thing..... I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a quandary the past couple of weeks. I've begun to wonder if I'm courageous or just stupid. I'm in need of some good counsel and I've decided to seek it here (and elsewhere if I can find it.)

I wish I could explain it succinctly but the dilemma has its subtleties and nuances that I feel compelled to detail.

I'm in pretty serious need of a source of income. I've been actively looking for over two months now. Perhaps, not as actively as I should. My brother is Stake Employment Specialist in his Stake and the other day I heard him say (not to me) that the Church's policy on the matter is that if you're unemployed you should be spending eight hours a day looking for a job. Finding employment thus, becomes your job. He makes a very good point. So does the church. I would think this especially true if I were drawing assistance from the Church to support my family. The policy seems to be cut and dried and, if I were to take it at face value, I have been extremely lax in my duty to concentrate all of my attention to the task of getting employed.

Now, it seems to me that such a policy implies a few things that are unsettling to me. It implies that any job is better than no job. At least any honest, honorable employment, trumps no employment. Ordinarily, at least in the case of one drawing assistance from the Church or the Government, I would wholeheartedly concur. In my current situation I'm not so sure; let me explain why.

I have had a good, decent, exciting and promising job offer in recent weeks that I felt strongly impressed I should not accept. I didn't. I still feel good about my decision. Had my brother been helping me find a job, I expect he, or someone else in his role, might have been pretty aggravated with me for turning down such an opportunity. Perhaps, I could have persuaded them that I was going by the Spirit, which ought to trump Church policy; or should it. There's the rub.

I've had the feeling that God has something in store for me. I even have the notion that it will be meaningful and, spiritually as well as financially, rewarding. I have no notion what it might be. I have hoped it would lie in a realm that might use my talents and predispositions to make a difference in the world. I have even been willing to accept less money than I might otherwise make so it might be so. I'm at a time in life and to some degree, in a financial position to allow that. I have earnestly pursued such opportunities, as I have found, that might fit in that framework. So far, I have not been the best qualified or for other inexplicable reasons have not been selected for such positions.

My last job was a mixed bag. I enjoyed the people I worked for and those I worked with. In fact in that regard it was the best group of people I ever had the pleasure of working with. But, I hated my job, in that employment, with a passion I didn't think myself capable of. I even hated that I was successful at it. I was a salesman. I have a strong aversion to manipulation and as I participated in sales training, it seemed to me that manipulation with the core and fundamental sum and substance of sales. I refused to do it and yet I sold, or rather, I helped people buy. There was more to hate though. There was too much time when there were no customers and it was hard to stay busy doing "make work" activities. Especially when I was encouraged to do a lot of sales training in the down time. In prayer, during the year I was in sales, I begged God to help me get out of there and repeatedly came away convinced that I was right where He wanted me. I never fully understood why, but I stayed. I stayed until the firm went out of business. Because of the poor economy, I never made much more than enough to make ends meet.

The economy is still bad; restricting my prospects. I've had an interview that looks promising. It is for a part-time job that doesn't pay very well. I could manage with two such part-time jobs but I wonder if I'll find two that are compatible. I thought I might but the other has already hired someone else. This job, should it be offered to me, also requires I work six days a week which will severely restrict what I can do on the weekends and such. Part of my quandary is whether it is fair to the employer to accept the job and then abruptly quit when something better comes along. It costs money to train any new employee and an unplanned interruption will also greatly inconvenience them. Does my obligation to become employed supersede my future lack of loyalty? I would enjoy the job, but is it fair to accept it when I'm sure I'll need to move on as soon as something better surfaces.

Here's what I know:

• God is predisposed in my favor, He wants to bless me and help me prosper.
• His blessings come on His timetable not mine.
• I can be patient.
• I can trust Him.
• He has never let me down before. He has also never made me wait before.
• I'd rather prosper than just get by.
• I can accept His will in all things. I've proven that to Him and to myself.

Here's what I don't know:

• What God has in mind for me.
• If I should be doing more to facilitate finding a job. Am I too patient in waiting upon Him?
  
• Why He led me away from the one job I was offered and wanted.
• Does He really even care what I do to provide for my family?
• Is there any justification for hoping for something I might enjoy?
• Am I reaching beyond the mark in thinking I might be of significant service at work as well as in church or my personal life?
• Am I just settling for mediocrity if I don't hold out for "what God has in store for me?"
• Am I being irresponsible and unrealistic for not grabbing what's available?
• Did God have something in mind for me, but exercising their agency, did some potential employer choose other than God's course of action?

I feel no sense of entitlement to any of the information I'd like to know - but don't. Faith is all about stepping into the darkness. I just wonder if there's a time at which one could cross from faith to foolishness. And I wonder if I'm wise enough to make the distinction if I did.

Anyway, if any of you have any light to shed on the subject, post a comment and tell me frankly, what you think! Maybe I should even take a poll - Faith or Foolishness. If you've followed my blog lately, you'll know that I'll keep you posted on what transpires.

Movie Review - Evelyn

Set in Ireland this wonderful movie will warm the cockles of your very heart.

Abandoned by his wife and left with three children Desmond Doyle (Pierce Brosnan) has his children taken from him. He fights a desperate and heroic battle to get them back.

It is a true story of love, desperation and triumph that will linger in my heart for a life time. The film is filled with the charm and desperation of a great people in a great land. Not since I read Angela's Ashes has the heart song of Ireland stirred so deeply within me.

Though I've proven Scottish and Manx ancestry the story and culture and music of the Emerald Isle resonates so deeply in my soul that I cannot doubt there is Irish blood flowing there as well.

Be sure to put this one on your list of movies to enjoy!