Guilty of Prostitution

pros·ti·tute

a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in a base and unworthy way, usually for money.

Okay, I've skirted around this issue long enough.  I felt so excited to have the time and focus to write full time when I began this project last Summer.  Then as finances grew tighter and revenue streams dried up I became more and more distracted by money and my writing began to suffer.  I felt a distinct loss of imagination, creativity, motivation and my writing practically stopped.  In the mean time my attention turned to other important and very gratifying activities of service and companionship.

The ever pressing need for money drove me back to the keyboard time and time again, but there was little that came to my mind or fingertips.

I began seriously writing in my recovery program from addiction.  I was astonished at what I could discover by asking questions and seeking answers on the written page.  More and more I wrote.  More and more I felt knowledge and understanding streaming into my conscious awareness.  Some say we all have it in us we just have to dig it out.  Writing is the spade.  While there is truth to that, to be sure.  I feel certain that there is also a large measure of actual revelation involved in the process.

I write to discover and refine my understanding of myself, of life, of God and of my circumstances.  When I began to think of writing as a career that all changed.  Unavoidably, I began to write for money.  In doing so the color, texture, taste, smell and joy of discovery largely disappeared.  "You cannot serve God and Mammon," Jesus declared.  I am finally willing to admit that He was right.

I need to parenthetically mention that I am more than grateful that others have written books and shared their wisdom, knowledge, imagination and insight with me.  I do not condemn them in any way.  Where would I be without them and their wonderful inspiration?  I do not begrudge them the blessing of revenue from their efforts.  All I am saying here is that I am unable to do that.  I have tried.  I have tried and tried to keep my focus on the subjects at hand, but always, in the back of my mind, was the nagging question of whether or not my writing would sell.  That niggling undercurrent has ruined the process for me and as of today will stop.

I am taking the tip jar off my blog.  Also all advertising.  I am no longer going to pursue publication of any of my work.  I will put it all online, complete or not for you to use or reject as suits you.  I no longer intend to profit from the gifts God has so generously granted me.  Every time I write something that lifts, inspires and changes me, I am already recipient of such good, kind grace from God that it seems a violation to seek monetary gain from it as well.

I have always been uncomfortable with what I call "Marketing Mormonism."  I remain so.  As I said before, it puts me between a rock and a hard place because I don't know what I'd do if I no could no longer visit Deseret Book.  I love perusing the shelves and shelves of creative thought and inspiration.  Coming to the conclusion that such a course is not for me has been a difficult struggle.  In the end I had to concede that I am just not cut out for self promotion, or from profiting from God's liberal gifts.

I have come to realize that were I to be a successful writer, especially in the genre that most of my writing fits, I would be especially vulnerable to entering into priestcraft.

Alma 1:16

Nevertheless, this did not put an end to the spreading of priestcraft through the land; for there were many who loved the vain things of the world, and they went forth preaching false doctrines; and this they did for the sake of riches and honor.

I suspect that one does not necessarily have to preach false doctrine in order to practice priestcraft.  Even true doctrine taught for the sake of vanity, wealth and honor, to my mind, is suspect when it comes to priestcraft. I hope with all my heart that I have never preached false doctrine.  Would that more readers would comment; most especially to challenge notions I have that may not bear up under the scrutiny of the truth.  Yet I can imagine how easy it would be, for the sake of wealth and influence, to doctor up the truth to make it more marketable.  Heaven forbid.

This morning, I haven't a clue as to what my financial future might hold.  Nor can I conceive of how I can possibly make ends meet.  But I finally realize that is a separate issue and so I want to make it plain that I will no longer prostitute my talent (such as it is) for fame or money.

Rethinking the Notion of Setting Goals

A few recent circumstances have caused me to reconsider what it means to "Begin With The End In Mind."  I have long been a Stephen R. Covey fan.  I have studied his books extensively and have applied the principles he teaches in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  While I haven't applied them perfectly, nor do I suppose anyone has; I have made near Herculean efforts to use those habits to achieve the ends I had in mind.

While in the throes of addiction I had great hopes that The 7 Habits would be a means of escaping my bondage. They were not.  In fact I have come to believe that the second habit, Begin With the End in Mind actually exacerbated  my problems.  Let me explain.  As I have boiled down my addiction to it's bare bones I've discovered that the fundamental problem for me was wanting life on my own terms.  I would envision in minute detail how my life would turn out if I pursued such-and-such a course.  That course always produced different, and to my mind, unsatisfactory, results.  The ensuing pain of disappointment then, led to substance abuse, depression, and retrogression.

Beginning with the end in mind was my problem; not a solution for it.  Now, this being said, I must admit that I remain in a bit of a quandary as to what this discovery means for me.  So, writing this, is more of an examination for discovery than some stipulated conclusion.  I have personally heard the present prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, encourage the setting of and earnest pursuit of goals.  How can it be then, that the pursuit of established goals has become my nemesis?

For me a significant part of the problem has been that my goals had not been my own.  As is common for people in childhood, goals are often set for us.  Someone bigger, stronger, wiser than us always seems ready to tell us how to proceed with our lives.  My father in particular had a very specific future outlined for me.  That future included athletics, heroics, fame, security and success.  Essentially, he was endeavoring to create me in his own image.  Eventually, I rebelled against that pattern for my life.  Partly because it was impossible and partly because I had other ideas.  I concluded to make my goals my own.   I replaced the ends my father had in mind for me with ones of my own.  That approach was flawed too because now I was trying to create myself in my own image or in other words after my own imagination.  That was equally impossible and ultimately, utterly frustrating.

Covey and others have long preached that goals need to be specific.  We are supposed to establish what it is we want to achieve and then break that down into smaller more individual components of the whole that can be worked toward in bite sized portions.  Makes sense.  But for me it just doesn't work.  At least it hasn't.

Let me give you a recent example.  I have long had a goal to write a book.  I could do it page by page, chapter by chapter until it was complete.  Well, what foolishness.  If I am honest I have to tell you why I wanted to write a book.  I wanted to be important, famous, wealthy, and admired. That was my purpose for writing the book.  Sitting down to do it though, I have discovered that I have nothing much to say.  Oh, I can write a book alright.  I can fill it from cover to cover with words, I can complete my goal and then some.  But then what?  Is writing a book a good goal?  I think not.  Is discovering something worthwhile to say a better one?  Perhaps.  But I think that even that is a misbegotten pursuit.  What kind of objective is it to seek something to say, just so you can become admired for saying it.  All of those objectives are completely confined to self-centeredness.  They are not about contributing something to the world, but about contributing something to me.

All goals I might set for myself seem doomed to be selfish and thus, unsatisfactory.  What is to be done?

I appears that the answer is in letting God set my goals.  Allowing Him to create me in His image.  This calls for a completely different approach.  An elaborate, gate-folded planner will be unnecessary.  This approach doesn't require planning, nearly so much as it requires seeking.  Seek.  That is the word the scripture uses.  You won't find goal or objective or aim in this context in the holy writ.  You will find seek quite commonly.  There we are counselled not to seek for riches (Alma 39:14), power (Alma 60:36), glory (1 Thess. 2:6), praise (2 Nephi 26:29), "great things for thyself" (Jeremiah 45:5); but for God (Deuteronomy 4:29), His glory (2 Nephi 1:25), His Kingdom (Matthew 6:33) and the blessing and interest of our fellow men (D&C 82:19).

Successful pursuit of the Kingdom of God can never be a selfish one.  It, of necessity, requires that we think instead of God and of others.  Attempting to approach Heaven with ourselves in mind is like building the Tower of Babel and pursuit of that goal will always be confounded.

In a recent article on Home Teaching I wrote:

I am aware that most of us tackle such a project and have been trained to begin with the end in mind.  We suppose that if we are nice and give service for a while that we will eventually bear the fruit in some preconceived way.  And, if we don't, we tend to become discouraged and soon move on to greener or more golden pastures.  I believe that Ammon had no such agenda.  He let God be in charge of the agenda.  His call was to be of service forever if need be.

I was moved by the reply of a dear and very wise friend:

I think if we begin with the end in mind, imagining what the fruit will look like, we might miss the fruit as it blossoms, ripens, and eventually falls rotten to the ground without us noticing, because it wasn't how we pictured it to begin with. 

What an astute observation.  You see what I'm getting at?  See what happens when we establish specific goals for ourselves rather than giving God his role in our lives.  Another dear friend in recovery often makes this telling statement:

I have come to know there is a God; and I have come to know that He is not me. 

I am forced to conclude that if I selfishly, independently set my own goals to the purpose of achieving my own ends I am declaring myself to be a god in whose image I am attempting to create myself.  But, if I am willing to get out of my own way and let God be in charge, He will create me in His image.

Now, when God established The Promised Land as Lehi's goal for himself and his family, did they all get their planners out, their maps and charts, their encyclopedias and catalogues?  No.  Instead they simply, continually, sought God's guidance and direction.  Literally on a daily, even hourly basis they asked Him, or by extension the Liahona, where they should go next.  Had they planned the trip themselves, they wouldn't have anticipated a fraction of what they eventually encountered on the journey.  In a very real way every trip to The Promised Land is more about the journey and less about the destination.  So it was for the Children of Israel, the Jaredites, the Lehites and the Mormons.  So it is for us.  For the promised land to be a land of promise, the promise has to be in us before we get there.  We have to learn to let God lead.  He is after all the Author of our Salvation.  Let us quit trying to write our own stories and let the Author write them for us and for those around us.

Years ago a visiting authority at Stake Conference made a statement I have never forgotten.  I've forgotten his name and I'll have to paraphrase his comment.  Essentially he said:

It is interesting that we spend such great effort to put roofs over our heads, clothing on our bodies and provide ourselves with retirement investments, insurance policies, police and army forces all in an effort to feel secure in a world that was designed to be insecure so that we would develop faith in Jesus Christ and learn to put our trust in Him.

Is that why we set goals?  In order to take care of ourselves and others; in the event that God fails us?  Who then is failing who?

God began this business with the end in mind.  "For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39)  He knows where he wants to take us.  Can't we let him?  Even an alcoholic understands this notion when he prays, "Lord, what would Thou have me do today?  Please, give me the strength to do it?"  God knows where we need to go, what we need to do.  Why is it so hard to abandon our false security and let Him take us there.  For me there can only be one end; which is to begin each day letting God be in charge of my life.  When I was in charge I careened from train wreck to train wreck.  Even when I planned carefully.  More and more I want to be like Nephi; knowing in whom I have trusted.

I Love My Life!

I've been blessed with so many opportunities to serve and the rewards are enormous.  Last night I was facilitating a 12 Step Group at the Detention Center.  15 Youth attended the meeting.  We talked a lot about pain.  There was eager participation, but a general reluctance to focus on what's hurting them.  Still, I could see in their eyes a specific hurt that despite are cavalier demeanor, betrayed their fear.  After the meeting two of them asked for some personal time.  Our hearts had met in some way and they wanted further help to deal with the wounds of their souls.

I love looking past their hardened exteriors where tattoos and indifferent or defiant faces conceal what longing eyes reveal.  These are tender hearted children who've been severely harmed by this mortal world.  They've put up walls with which to protect themselves, but deep inside they are still hopeful.  Hopeful that there might actually be someone out there they could trust.  Someone they might dare to invite inside to share the load.

Do you know what a blessing it is to be that person?  That one they are willing to trust?  It is such a burden, for I could not bear to let them down.  But it is also such a joy.  These precious children of God are in such great need of His love but fear is keeping them from it.  We need to offer them love unfeigned so they can find a safe place to grow and heal.  There is no greater gift God could give me than to be their friend and to witness their joy as they emerge from their sorrow.

There are millions in the world who, like these, need such love.  They are old and young, large and small and it is you and I who must love them.  That is really all that is required.  Love.  Just as they are.  Love.

I do not know, how I could be so blessed as to have this privilege.  To love and be loved is the greatest gift of all and it is mine.

Are You a Gadianton Robber?

My little town prides itself on its conservatism.  We typically vote Republican. That right there is an oxymoron if you call yourself a Conservative.  But I digress.  Being conservative we are often heard to complain about Federal spending and about the Federal deficit.  We vote for candidates who claim to believe the same but then go about doing the opposite.  One of the most glaring examples is the current palace being constructed as our new City Hall.

We weren't even fully utilizing the old one, but just had to have a new, state of the art, show piece to boost somebody's ego.  When I complained to a city employee about what I considered to be inappropriate extravagance, especially during an economic down turn; he justified it by saying that the money for the building had been granted long before the recession.  By granted he meant that a good portion of the funds for the building had been received from the Federal Government. "So," I replied, "You let the Feds take the fall for higher taxes instead of taking the political hit yourselves."  His response was that somebody was going to get that money and it might as well be us.

And thus, we have rationalized our way into trillions of dollars of debt in this country.  We think we ought to get a share of the pie and so does everyone else and there just isn't enough pie to go around.  It's like cutting our own throats and drinking the blood to stay alive!  Who are we kidding?

In The Book of Mormon there was a group who took over the government and destroyed their political system by the very same "if we can't beat them, join them" mentality.  That group was called the Gadianton robbers.  Too often we think that we have to be a co-conspirator in some heinous scheme to get personal gain, in order to qualify for membership in that gang of greedy low-lifes.  In reality, all we have to do to join is to surrender to their system.  This country would not be in the financial pickle we're in if we each stood on our own two feet and took care of ourselves.  In my opinion, collecting unemployment payments, instead of saving for a rainy day, is joining the Gadianton Robbers.  What about seeking a Pell Grant instead of working our way through school?  Doing so increases their power and influence and decreases our own.  The same thing applies to government grants for individuals and municipalities, states and such things as Universities and other institutions.  They get the money, which always comes with strings attached.  Strings that always restrict our freedom.  The funny thing is, most of that money doesn't really exist, all we are really getting is a mountain of debt which translates to a monstrous burden on our own backs.  So we get the restrictive strings and the debt and those who pull the strings pay nothing for the bondage we willingly let them subject us to.

This is a system that is destined to destroy itself.  The more who join the robbers the fewer there are to rob.  When there remain none on whose backs the blood suckers can feed, they will surely turn on themselves.  Of course by then, they has become we.

To the degree that we vote for political candidates who make us promises of caring for needs we ought to be meeting by our own sacrifice and effort, we are joining the Gadianton Robbers.  Such candidates must take the resources to buy those votes from someone; and that someone is you and me, the fools who thought we might as well get our share of the plunder.  Didn't we ever stop to consider that we were plundering our own purses?

I call upon our community and our citizen to stop this foolishness.  Let us take care of ourselves and our own. Let us stand on our own two feet and quit this free ride mentality before it becomes too late!